there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize