Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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