I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
