3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
