I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
