i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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