she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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