She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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