Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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