Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
