i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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