1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
