Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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