this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
