Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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