I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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