I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
