she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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