Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
