i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I want a musical about memes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
