I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize