I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
did you just send me my own nude
It's shark week go big or go home
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
