Four minutes until I can fart!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
