Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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