My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
