The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
