Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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