Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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