we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
