What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
