Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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