I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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