she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
