ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
