If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
