Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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