Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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