I'm going to jail i love you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
