Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
