i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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