Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
