So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
