happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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