I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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