You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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