I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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