The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
