whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
