So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
