About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize