Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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