I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Can vaginas get frostbite?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize