Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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