im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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