I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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