i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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