What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
