Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
