I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
