The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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