Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
